It is always about community

 Since I have been about 16 years old I have worked out. At first and probably mostly it has been to somehow become a smaller human being.  My size, my weight, my whatever has always been the motivating factor. I lifted weights, joined gyms, became a workout instructor, swam, ran, walked , rowed, ellipsed, did pilates, did yoga, did a combo of everything. For the most part, on my own and in my basement.  I am not disciplined as much as I have been afraid to become a larger human being. 

Since I have been about 16 years old, I have also wrestled with disordered eating.  Food has always been the enemy and I can lay this disordered thinking completely on the shoulders of my Dad and Mom. Dad in his shuddering contempt for fat people and mom's never ending dieting and self loathing of her weight gain.  I do not remember ever feeling that the size I was was good enough for the society I lived in. I have carried this warped view all of these 46 years. ARGH...that is way to long a time and what a waste. 

I am 61 years old and I am strong. About a year ago, I began to lift weights more seriously because it is good for me, it is good for my body and it is good to be strong. I have shifted my focus because I have realized unless I start taking the wonder drug to lose weight, this is what size I will be. I cannot eat less without doing harm  AND, this is the size that will become stronger. I do not want to take up less room in this world. I have the privilege to be the size I am. Saying that out-loud every day is a reminder to me not yet a reality. 

All this to say, for the last few months I am a weight lifting instructor for my fellow co-workers.  Twice a week I lead them in a routine I would usually do at home and WOW, is it much more fun to lift heavy things in community then on my own in the basement.  We encourage each other, laugh at ourselves and lift a few more pounds then last time.  We are every beautiful shape and age and experience. It is hard work, it is easier to do in company. 

Ahhh, but then it is alway better in community. It being every hard thing you need to lift.